June 17, 2025
4 Things You Can Do With Comedy Gold
One of the funniest metallic products on the market right now, Comedy Gold is an item that remains, since 2018, available for purchase. With a unique joke encoded into each magnetic stripe (76 characters max), it's a rare object that somehow survived the lucrative NFT era without getting completely bought up by speculators.
Now, while some might say it's a purely useless object, there are in fact several great applications for this shiny rectangle:
1. Read it with a magnetic stripe reader
You won't have much luck at with a point-of-sale system at a restaurant or ikebana shop, but a generic magnetic stripe reader/writer will happily tell you the joke that's encoded into the strip. Even you have to buy one specially, you may be able to use it later for an unrelated criminal enterprise, or even re-sell it to a hotel chain for use with their keycard system. It's an investment in laughter and money.
2. Bust it out at a fancy dinner or bar
When you clank down that card on the restaurant table, not only will your date be stunned by your opulence โ your server and other diners might also take notice. You'll have to use a traditional credit or debit card to pay the balance for the meal, but onlookers will be so dazzled by the golden metal that they probably won't commit that part of the evening to memory.
If you try this move while paying your tab at a bar, and you haven't already locked down a romantic partner to bring home for casual sexual congress, rest assured: it may give you one final opportunity.
3. Sharpen it into a weapon
While I don't recommend this for the average owner, or anyone else for that matter, it's physically possible to file one or multiple edges of the card into terrifying blades. In most cases, nothing good would come of this action, and it would likely serve only to slice the cardholder accidentally at the gas station. But in situations where stealth or surprise are valuable, or perhaps to sneak a weapon into a nightclub or prison, this ornamental membership card might be just the thing.
Also, how funny to have it entered as evidence into an aggravated assault or murder trial? The jury might request they be brought a magnetic stripe reader so they can hear the encoded joke, and by observing who laughs, you can rate, out of 12, how funny your particular card is. Hopefully the judge also notices.
4. Think about how expensive and/or affordable it was
While $99.99 might seem like a lot for a totem of laughter, consider: it comes with a lifetime Mirth Turtle Membership, which unlocks access to many other hilarious products. AND we're talking dingy Canadian petrodollars here. In real currency, it's closer to $75, and these days, that's only like $40.
So why not order yourself a Comedy Gold lustrecard today? Get yours before they sell out, or before the next generation, featuring chip and pin technology, is manufactured. I think those may have to be more expensive.
